Where Did My Patience Go? Parenting and Emotional Regulation

I Thought I Knew What Patience Was

As a young girl, I was often praised for being "so patient." I wore that label proudly and assumed patience was simply something I had. Then I became an adult, and eventually a parent, and it felt like I had lost it.

I found myself wondering: Where did it go? What happened to my ability to be so patient? Why couldn't I be the easy-going person everyone always said I was?

But when I look back honestly, I don't think I was ever truly patient.

Suppression Is Not the Same as Regulation

What I was good at was suppressing my thoughts and feelings. I learned to keep the peace, avoid conflict, and appear calm because those qualities were praised. Being agreeable was rewarded. Being "chill" was admired. So I became very skilled at pushing my own reactions down.

Parenthood has a way of exposing the difference between suppression and regulation.

There is so much shame attached to losing our patience as parents. We often tell ourselves that if we were calmer, more patient, or more emotionally equipped, we wouldn't feel so activated by our children's behaviour. But I have come to think that patience isn't something you either have or don't have. Patience is often the visible result of regulation.

A Hot Car and a Melted Cake Pop

Let me paint you a picture.

It's a hot day, and you've just picked up your toddler from preschool and surprised her with a chocolate cake pop from Starbucks for the 30-minute drive home. Within minutes, it's melting. Then the cake pop falls off the stick.

Your daughter is devastated.

She's screaming at the top of her lungs. She's demanding another one. You're trapped in the car, trying to get everyone home safely, while her distress fills every inch of the vehicle.

And if you're honest, everything inside of you is reacting too.

You want to yell, "You are so ungrateful!"

You want to say, "Fine, then I just won't buy treats like this anymore."

You feel frustrated, overstimulated, and maybe even a little resentful.

What Regulation Looks Like in the Moment

But you don't act on those feelings.

Not because parenting is easy. Not because you're naturally patient. And not because those feelings aren't there.

You pause. You take a breath. You remind yourself that you don't need to fix this problem right now — in fact, you literally can't. You recognize that your daughter is safe, even if she's distressed. You allow her feelings to exist without making them mean something about you, your parenting, or her character.

You don't decide she's ungrateful.

You don't decide you're failing.

You don't add fuel to the fire by taking the situation personally.

Instead, you stay with yourself. You let the frustration move through you rather than drive your response.

That is regulation.

And in many ways, that is what patience actually looks like.

Patience Is a Skill, Not a Personality Trait

Patience isn't the absence of difficult feelings. It isn't never feeling frustrated, irritated, overwhelmed, or touched out. It's not endlessly tolerating discomfort while pretending everything is fine.

Patience is having the capacity to hold your own emotions while your child is having theirs.

It's a skill, not a personality trait.

It's something we build through self-awareness, self-compassion, support, and practice.

So if you've ever found yourself wondering where your patience went, perhaps it wasn't lost at all. Perhaps what you're noticing is the difference between who you were taught to be and what emotional regulation actually requires.

If This Sounds Familiar

If you're finding yourself reacting in ways you don't like, feeling guilty about your frustration, or struggling to stay grounded in difficult parenting moments, you're not alone.

At KDW Counselling and Consulting, we help individuals and families navigate life's challenges with greater awareness, compassion, and emotional resilience, so that responding with intention can feel more accessible than reacting from overwhelm.

We offer individual therapy and therapy for anxiety and burnout, in person at our Springbank Drive office in London, Ontario, or virtually anywhere in Ontario. If you are in the early months of parenthood, we also offer support through pregnancy and postpartum. A free 15-minute consultation is a low-pressure way to ask whether the fit is right.

*This article is general information, not clinical advice. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 9-8-8 at any time, or go to your nearest emergency department.*