Does Marriage Counselling Work? What Makes It More Likely to Help

Marriage counselling can help, but it is not a guarantee, and whether it helps depends on a few things you can check before you book. Couples tend to get more out of it when they start before resentment hardens, when both partners take part, when the counsellor is regulated and trained in couples work, and when what happens in the room carries on at home.

Most people asking this question have a reason. Maybe a friend tried counselling and it "didn't work". Maybe you went once years ago and came out more frustrated. Or you are wondering whether it is worth the time and money before you suggest it to your partner. This guide covers what tends to make the difference, what progress looks like, and when counselling is not the right first step. If you already know you want to book, our page on couples counselling in London, Ontario explains how we work.

What "Working" Actually Means

Couples often walk in hoping counselling will stop the arguments. A more useful measure is whether the two of you can handle the hard conversations differently. In practice, progress tends to look like this:

• The argument still starts, but it ends sooner. You catch the moment it turns and one of you can call a pause without the other hearing it as walking out.
• Repair happens faster. Instead of three days of distance, you can come back to it the same evening.
• You can name the pattern. You both recognise the cycle ("I push, you go quiet, I push harder") and talk about the cycle instead of attacking each other.
• Each of you feels more understood, even on issues you still disagree about.

Some couples also use counselling to decide, carefully, whether to stay together. A clear, less painful decision is a real outcome too, and a good counsellor will not push you toward one answer.

Why Timing Matters So Much

Many couples wait a long time. In a piece first published in The Washington Post, Dr. John Gottman writes that the average couple waits six years after serious issues arise before getting help with their marital problems. Six years is a long time for hurt to build up. By then, each partner has a well-rehearsed story about the other, and some of the goodwill that makes repair easier has worn thin.

That does not mean it is too late if you have waited. It means the earlier signs are worth taking seriously: the same argument on a loop, avoiding topics to keep the peace, feeling more like roommates, or one of you starting to picture life apart. Our post on communication counselling for couples goes through those signs in more detail.

What Makes Counselling More Likely to Help

Both partners take part

Counselling works on what happens between you, so it helps when both of you are in the room, even if one of you is more hesitant. A reluctant partner does not have to be convinced it will work, only willing to try a few sessions. If your partner will not come at all, individual work can still change the dynamic. Our guide on what to do when one partner won't come to couples therapy covers that situation.

The counsellor is regulated and trained in couples work

Being a good individual therapist is not the same as being skilled with couples. Couples work needs someone who can keep the session from turning into the argument you already have at home, and who is fair to both of you. In Ontario, check that the counsellor is registered with the College of Registered Psychotherapists of Ontario or the Ontario College of Social Workers and Social Service Workers, and ask what couples training they have. Our guide on choosing a couples counsellor in London, Ontario lists the questions to ask.

The work focuses on the pattern, not the topic

Most couples argue about a handful of topics: chores, money, sex, in-laws, screens. The topic changes, but the way the argument unfolds usually doesn't. Counselling tends to help more when it slows a real argument down and looks at what each of you felt, feared and did next, rather than trying to settle each topic one at a time. That is how we work at KDW, using relational and attachment-based approaches.

Something changes between sessions

An hour a week is a small part of your week. The couples who notice change usually try something small at home: a pause signal, a weekly check-in, one conversation done differently. Your counsellor will suggest what fits, and there is no homework to fail.

Fit, for both of you

Both partners need to feel the counsellor gets them. If one of you feels outnumbered after a few sessions, say so. A good counsellor will welcome that feedback. A free consultation is a low-pressure way to check fit before you commit.

When Counselling Is Not the Right First Step

Couples counselling is not the right starting point in every situation:

• Abuse, threats or coercive control. Joint sessions can make things less safe when one partner is afraid of the other. Individual support and safety planning come first.
• An affair that is still going on. Counselling can help a great deal after an affair, but it is very hard while one is still active. Our post on marriage counselling after infidelity explains what that work involves.
• A crisis that needs immediate care. Severe depression, active addiction or thoughts of suicide need their own support, alongside or before couples work.

If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. If you are in crisis or thinking about suicide, you can call or text 9-8-8, Canada's suicide crisis helpline, at any time.

How Long It Takes and What It Costs

There is no set number of sessions. Some couples come for a focused stretch around one issue, and others come for longer when the pattern runs deep or there has been a breach of trust. Your counsellor will check in with you both along the way about whether it is helping, and our post on what happens in a first couples counselling session describes how the work starts.

Sessions at KDW are 60 or 90 minutes, in person at our office on Springbank Drive in London or by secure video anywhere in Ontario. Current couples rates are $140 to $165 per hour until November 30, 2026. From December 1, new clients pay $150, $185 or $200 per couples hour, depending on the clinician's level of experience. A sliding scale is available depending on each clinician's openings. We provide receipts for extended health reimbursement, and coverage varies by plan. Our guide to the cost of couples counselling has the details, and the fees page lists every rate.

Questions to Ask Before You Book

• What training do you have in couples work, and which approaches do you use?
• How do you keep sessions balanced so neither of us feels ganged up on?
• How will we know whether it is helping?
• Do you ever see us individually, and how do you handle what is shared there?
• Can we do some sessions in person and some by video?

Marriage Counselling in London, Ontario

KDW Counselling & Consulting offers couples and marriage counselling in London, Ontario and virtually across the province. You do not need to be married, and you do not need to be in crisis. A free 15-minute consultation lets either or both of you ask how we would approach your situation before you decide. You can get in touch here.

Source: John Gottman, Ph.D., Why Conventional Marriage Wisdom Is Wrong, The Gottman Institute.